Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
the prophecies have been fulfilled
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Can. I. Help. You.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.