I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten
Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me
Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
friend: whats the matter
me: just found out i have a latex allergy
friend: oh shit that means you can’t-
me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.