Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women