Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating