Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.