@HeyZeus666

Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

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@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@LizHackett

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

@Thynebear

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

@themorris23

And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

@ClichedOut

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@G_Faylor

[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

@lazerdoov

I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.