We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
mentally somewhere in italy
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.