Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

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If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.


“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers


And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.



teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know


So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?


[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever


My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery


I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.