I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Accurate
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now