anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.