Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??