1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private?
GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea
Reasons to hit the gym that aren’t patriarchal beauty standards:
– outrun the cops
– outlive ur enemies
– more stamina for sex
– actually sleep at night
– get strong to fight racists
– listen to music without ppl interrupting
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…