@CrockettForReal

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

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@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@Just_Lee_

It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.

@Office_Dolt

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

@TravLeBlanc

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.

@sheann828

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

@NicestHippo

People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private?

GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea

@veryann0yed

Reasons to hit the gym that aren’t patriarchal beauty standards:
– outrun the cops
– outlive ur enemies
– more stamina for sex
– actually sleep at night
– get strong to fight racists
– listen to music without ppl interrupting

@c12h22o11balls

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

@PortRooster

Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…