Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
SPLOOT
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day