@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

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@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@thecassiecao

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..

@WhatsHerFace33

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser