It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
*takes an exam in a coffin*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice