@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

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@meganamram

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@Cryptoterra

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

@AbbieEvansXO

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

@steeve_again

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice