in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The types of jars
Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”
– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser