Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving