Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough