@goldengateblond

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

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@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@jewfacekilla

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

@theshamingofjay

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably

@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

@HabeasDorkis

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@internetluke

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up