stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Me: *sobs uncontrollably
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
I asked her if she thought I was weird
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up