Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.