Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,


Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.


Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message


*Filling out application*
Sex: “no thanks”

Well maybe I should write yes… I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I’ll take sex.


I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.


My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.


Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.


right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf


taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends


Relationship status

Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall