Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.