How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.