@iSamJack

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
machine.

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@Skoog

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@ghostkrogh

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

@coolauntV

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

@3sunzzz

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@the_moonface

Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.

@weinerdog4life

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

@Robski_Boy

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.