ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
im all 3
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.