Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending

You Might Also Like



ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days


My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.


PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!


What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller


Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.


I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.


Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips


Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle


[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.