Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
never deleting this app.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I feel seen.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to