*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
classic mixup
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.