Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
#Caturday