One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.