Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Time heals everything 🙂
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.