Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.