be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
College: lol ikr?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]