anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.


ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.



Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte


Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes


at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations


Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!


My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁


I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?


After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.


Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub