@SvnSxty

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

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@skittle624

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

@Jade_VK

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

@ChicksRule

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

@suntzufuntzu

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@Jaywoo74

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!

@robdelaney

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

@Ideal_Victoria

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@AssOnHat

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub