@SvnSxty

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

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@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@rockymomax

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

@ramblinma

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@SondraDeeMe

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@RobertManchild

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]