HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
People who still say ‘YOLO’ only deserve to live once anyway.
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?
I’ll tweet it tomorrow.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
S: make the lid a little smaller
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!