Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living

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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.


How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger


People who still say ‘YOLO’ only deserve to live once anyway.


Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.


GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller


Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.


There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.



BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!