*jingles half the way*
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
yea so i messed up lol
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.