Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You Might Also Like
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.