Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.


Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”


“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]


*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost


I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.


I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.


It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.


I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment


Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours


[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho