*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours