Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
When the stylist spins you back around
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
relationship goals
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted