Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

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[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.


What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it


*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”


When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.


Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.


1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.


Waiter: would you care for an appetizer?

Me: look I can babysit your potato skins but I’m not cheap


I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.