him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.