@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

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@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@Fred_Delicious

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

@thesulk

When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

@TheAdly

Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.

@shkeeber

1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.

@rebrafsim

Waiter: would you care for an appetizer?

Me: look I can babysit your potato skins but I’m not cheap

@Kryzazy

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.