Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
The pasta is now
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.