@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.

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@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

@huntigula

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

@MichelleLoserby

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

@vvolfsz

The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road

@AndRyanTF

I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me

@nyquills

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

@squirrel74wkgn

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

@humanaaron

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this