Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.
You Might Also Like
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
The nominees are
And the winner is
mad max fury road
I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this