@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

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@heyitsJudeD

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

@smerobin

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

@i_eat_fruit

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.

@robdelaney

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@suecorvette

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop