[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

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Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*


[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.


[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes


[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.


Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.


The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop