[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.