Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.
Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop