If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those
If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.
ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go