[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
That eye roll….
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
me
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god