Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.

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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.


You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]


*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no


1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”


Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those


If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.


ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread


zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf


If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.


COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go