Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.


I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.



Kids: *already running away with my pants*


I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.


In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.


Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.


Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.


I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.


I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.