[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Here’s a meme
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“Sheer Arrogance”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?