@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

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@AbbyHasIssues

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

@21stcenturysahm

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

@SvnSxty

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

@NatetheEnigma

I’m sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

@Parkerlawyer

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

@FatherWithTwins

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

@JimNorton

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.