@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

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@okimstillhungry

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@AaronFullerton

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

@i_love_fudge

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

@GoldenSpirals

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

@malt_skull

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

@mckaycoppins

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”