Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I am, perchance
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Somebody call the cops.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that