Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like