My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze