I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop