@serendipitydon1

Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.

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@PatsATweetin

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

@Contwixt

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

@nyquills

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

@Darlainky

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

@STATEofCONFUZUN

You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.

@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@ItsyBitsySwagg

Brain : I’ll sleep early tonight

Internet : Hahaha
TV : Hahaha
Books : Hahaha
Insomnia : Hahaha