Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

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yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book


Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?


Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.


*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.


-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…


I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”


My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.