My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
God, I love Scotland
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
this is the best day of my life
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler