yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book
Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Call me a burglar, except all I take is things personally.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.