@_salt_n_lime

Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

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@crissymilazzo

yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

@_davidlucas_

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

@samalmightysam

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

@Carbosly

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

@sofarrsogud

My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.