Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.