Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog