Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
それは草
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”