Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
good for her
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.