@nikkithecanuck

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver

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@TomTheWicked

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.

@Awk0Tacoo

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@GingerHotDish

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

@PleaseBeGneiss

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@ibid78

[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house