Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver

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Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.


I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*


I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?


The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.


TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again


Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house