At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters