I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”