anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Every damn time
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Here’s a meme
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”