Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
We found Dove in a soapless place
Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..