Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.