Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what