@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

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@mrjohndarby

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

@fishbowel

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

@goulcher

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.

@thestlouisan

ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice

BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@duxynarow

“I’m so self-conscious”
“I’m a very private person”
“I’m the shyest person I know”

*posts 43 selfies a week*

– girls on Instagram