Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.