@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
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@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady? HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
@ChaseMit: I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
@jordan_stratton: [boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*
@boring_as_heck: Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.