@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
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@the_rock_chic: A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes...
@jakefromstfarm3: When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.
@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.
@LostCatDog: It's a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.