Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*